Clik here to view.
how do you know if you're on a date with a lesbian or if you're just two...
what is the gayest fucking thing you could ever imagine? two rainbow-striped unicorns banging their glittery dicks together while shooting stars from their assholes? a ymca/it's raining men mash-up...
View ArticleClik here to view.
how to survive the goddamned holidays.
i only check my mail once every four to five days because i like feeling sought-after and important. i came home yesterday after having spent a week at cara's to find my box stuffed like the stocking...
View ArticleClik here to view.
you need to stop fucking dickbags who are reckless with your heart.
happy new year, you dirty hookers. tomorrow i am joining weight watchers and alcoholics anonymous, but today? today i'm eating fried chicken in my pajamas and watching playoff football like a real man....
View ArticleClik here to view.
instagram > whiskered meat beard.
january is that fresh shit. on 1/2/13 i: bought a new calendar, copped a big bag of organic vegetables from the indoor farmers market, signed up for something called "chair yoga," and started...
View ArticleClik here to view.
what do you want in a wife?
i'm in a new relationship and am struggling with what to get the guy for valentine's day. i want it to be something thoughtful because i do really like him. any ideas?OH MAN. here's how i skirt this...
View ArticleClik here to view.
what to do when being rejected makes you batshit crazy.
i keep having the weirdest goddamned dreams. i keep waking up with a headache, in a cold sweat, because i spent half the night tormented by the succession of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations...
View ArticleClik here to view.
i want some goddamned romance.
bitch, you missed my birthday. one more year closer to really needing some goddamned face surgery. my neck is already like, "ahem...?" and it's only a matter of time before the congealed bacon grease...
View ArticleClik here to view.
GOD, BEING A HOT DUDE IS TOTALLY HARD.
once upon a time, in an upscale shopping mall just outside of chicago, two friends decided to get moderately-priced drinks and apps at the local cheesecake factory. after parking six blocks away at the...
View ArticleClik here to view.
new sex rules for 2013.
i'm celibate, bro. seven months and counting, with no plans to change that anytime soon. sex is boring and i want all the other shit. sure sure, prince charming is somewhere out there just waiting to...
View ArticleClik here to view.
i'm never going to have a baby, so shut the fuck up about it.
i am 33 years old and i am never going to give birth to a baby. i might adopt the shit out of one, but a seven pound bundle of joy caterwauling while clawing its way down my slimy birth canal? not...
View ArticleClik here to view.
easy pantry meals for sexy singles.
welcome to my secret shame. i eat these delicious rosemary and olive oil triscuits, one by one, with a tiny sliver of prosciutto and a hefty grating of fresh parmesan. in my underwear. accompanied by...
View ArticleClik here to view.
spring beauty tips for the poor and unfortunate.
ooh, all the pretty flowers in bloom! spring is a good time to begin growing and digging for your garden, although preparation and planning can take place way before the snow melts. gardeners spend...
View ArticleClik here to view.
the desperate slut's comprehensive guide to SPORTZ.
my playoff beard is full as fuck, bro. the blackhawks are in the stanley cup final, and a couple hours before the start of the first game i received the following text from eve: "asshole. put some...
View ArticleClik here to view.
how to be rejected by someone you weren't even interested in fucking in the...
i've had quite a number of imaginary boyfriends.when i worked downtown my boyfriend was this excruciatingly handsome dude who caught the 147 bus i intentionally started taking after the first time i...
View ArticleClik here to view.
regular shit that terrifies me.
1 people of the cta. did you know that any asshole with a fucking flip phone can catch you slipping on the train and, one blurry, pixelated photograph later, use that pre-paid piece of shit to...
View ArticleClik here to view.
man, i can't fucking wait to get married.
somebody bring me something borrowed, please. because, if these dummies i call my friends are to be believed, your wedding is the perfect opportunity to make a wishlist of all the fancy shit you've...
View ArticleClik here to view.
hey, nice tits.
if we are attracted to each other and got into a steamy situation and you took off my bra and saw a HUGE birthmark on my whole left breast down to my ribs is it going to turn you off? even if it is...
View ArticleClik here to view.
call me maybe.
shit, i'ma need to restock my business cards soon. i give those bitches out to errrrbody. i learned two key pieces of information from that mostly useless black woman's dating bootcamp class my white...
View ArticleClik here to view.
how to make public small talk with someone you used to have sex with.
UGH ROMANCE IS THE WORST. dating and mating and caring and sharing are the most terrible things i could ever imagine. here's how it would go if you and i started dating but then were forced to break up...
View ArticleClik here to view.
i'm a virgin again, according to science.
i had a really busy july, friends. i went to whole foods a lot, i had an out of body religious experience while watching queen beyonce's gyrating hips that were technically in the same room as i was,...
View Article