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christmas is trash.
this raggedy half-tree is the perfect metaphor for everything that has ever happened in my miserable, godforsaken life. last weekend i woke up to the sound of these kittens who live here that i most...
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bitches gotta read: the serpent king.
january always makes me feel like if i tried hard enough i could be a totally different person. like, the kind of person who can make a reading goal and actually achieve it at the end of twelve months....
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how i distract myself from all this wild ass shit on the news.
if this is the end of days then fuck it that's fine. what are you trying to stay alive for anyway, the last installment of game of thrones? hamilton tickets to become affordable? to see whether or not...
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one year closer to the grave!
ugh today is my 37th motherfucking birthday. WHAT A NIGHTMARE. first of all, what am i supposed to do while people sing happy birthday over the cake i'm about to spit all over trying to blow out the...
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bitches gotta read: american street.
isn't it technically february 31st? okay fine, there's no such thing as that and i'm hella fucking late with this month's book club pick and it's dumb because i don't really do that much other than cry...
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viva suburbia!
i drove back to chicago last week to do an interview and goddamn that shit felt weird. not the interview, that was dope, despite the fact that i described my personal style as "fat ninja" and ordered...
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bitches gotta read: the hate u give.
i'm creeping closer and closer to the beginning of the month with these book selections. and one of these months it's gonna be on the first or maybe even at the end of the month prior and you guys are...
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practical uses for drake's new record.
i don't think i'm supposed to publicly admit that i like drake. right? i mean, i'm not sure who's buying the millions of records he's selling because no one i know will admit to their willingness to...
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bitches gotta read: a good idea.
birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, and sleeping with the windows open at night means i've got a 2 benadryl 1 zyrtec 3 blasts of flonase a day habit right now: HALLELUJAH, SPRING HAS SPRUNG. fuck...
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block people and pretend they died.
dearly beloved: we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of that irritating girl you vaguely remember from the art class your mom made you take junior year of high school so your course list would...
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bitches gotta read: one day we'll be dead and none of this will matter.
boy do i hate these countertops. you know, like you can have all the fancy prep shit and vitamixes you want, but if you haven't torn out the cabinets and backsplashes you hate what is even the point of...
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i'm going on tour.
please come see me. mannnn i'm taking this show on the road. i just finished packing a bag that is 70% chargers 20% underwear and 10% toiletries i'm not 100% sure the TSA won't throw away, so i'm...
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summer beauty tips for the exhausted and situationally impoverished.
pinnae are we for real off shea moisture forever? because i'm nearing the end of my bottle of african black soap shampoo ($9) and i need to know if i gotta switch to something else before i run all the...
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bitches gotta read: we are never meeting in real life.
hello hi, do you remember me it's been a minute. you look great. is that a new haircut? did you recently hem that pair of pants!? GAH i'm sorry i wish i had a good excuse for falling behind on this...
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how i spent my summer vacation.
the first day of school is always bullshit. in theory, i always loved the dawning of a new school year because there was always a slim chance that over the summer my classmates would forget how poor...
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bitches gotta read: i am not your perfect mexican daughter.
happy belated thanksgiving, i guess. you know what i'm thankful for? the dubious, ever-shifting number of days during which we have to fumble around wishing people various forms of holiday cheer while...
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what the fuck is "art."
art is boring! i do not understand surrealism, performance art makes me uncomfortable, and nuance is lost on me. what is a triptych? abstract art mostly doesn't make sense? when was the neoclassical...
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swipe left!
my okcupid screen name was fartthrob. i can't remember exactly what i wrote in my ~extremely earnest~ profile, but i know that it was probably full of awkward attempts at humor while also apologizing...
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on the road again.
i'm going on tour, again. this time, to support the re-release of my first book, meaty. i cannot wait to lug my computer from state to state pretending i'm gonna get some work done and pack a bunch of...
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hot pocket.
hello, i got my uterus microwaved. anyone who has ever read a women's magazine while praying for death in a stalled grocery line can tell you that march is the perfect time for spring cleaning, and i...
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summer beauty tips for the damp and profoundly irritated.
i bought all this shit with my own money. money i probably should have invested in an IRA or a piece of property to leave behind for my cats, but my own personal money nonetheless. whenever i take...
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is lifetime's YOU the best and most romantic show that ever existed?
ummm, the short answer is yes it absolutely is. who the fuck do we know at the emmys?! HOW DO I GET THIS SHOW THE RECOGNITION IT DESERVES. okay so sunday night was the season finale of the juiciest...
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fakesgiving!
i am a teenage girl and i can admit that i'm a little spoiled. my mother delivers breakfast in bed to me daily. my dad eats a burger for dinner, but mom cooks a ribeye steak with a loaded baked potato...
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2018 holiday survival guide.
happy holidays, dear one! hope this letter finds you well! your mother and i have been wondering why we haven't heard from you since the day you drove your prius clean through your neighbor's tomato...
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winter beauty tips for the salty and willfully shut-in.
here is my average tuesday morning: 830a wake up and think about going to walgreens.840a try to convince myself that if i go to the gym for 40 minutes going to walgreens can be my reward.845a debate...
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